Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Callista, The Destroyer of Lands

     Summer is now here, oppressively lashing the Sun's rays upon the Earth like some angry taskmaster.  Dang, I hate the Summer season.  And everyone I talk to is like "How could you hate Summertime, it's so pretty!  Yeah, right.  The inside of my house is all the pretty I see - I can't go outside lest I subject myself to triple-digit heat.  And I always fall for the same crap every year, I look outside and decide it's looks so nice outside.  I'll make plans and pack some stuff and stumble out of my A/C and realize that it's hotter than the first circle of hellBut people will be waiting on me, so I wind up blistering out in the hot sun, all the while wondering why on Earth I thought this would be more fun than playing through The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time again.  Summer can suck my foot.

     Anyway, I'm blogging to apologize to everyone and notify that everyone should move away if I'm living in your area.  I've come to the conclusion that I am The Destroyer of Lands.  I know I don't look like the candidate for widespread pain and destruction, but that's just because I'm like that little kitten that you take in because it looks so lonely and afraid and hungry, but then after you've already set-up a litter box and bought the cat food and little feathered toys you find out that the little kitten has somehow grown into an eight-foot-tall bear-shark and has eaten your children, jumped out the window and reduced your entire city to rubble. 

     When I move into a new area, the whole place seems to immediately befall some horrid weather - most often drought and severe temperatures.  Don't believe me?  I moved to Texas about 18 months ago.  As soon as I decided to move there, someone shut the rain off.  Seriously.  I think there's even a news report that covers a downpour that stopped immediately, and the rain that was in mid-air sucked back up into the clouds.  And this happened in the same hour that I announced on facebook that I was moving. Don't even bother Googling it, because it's that true.  This drought lasted for something like a year, and stopped when I decided to move back to Arkansas.  As soon as I started making plans to move, rains began again.  And I've been gone for only a month now and they've got a tropical storm moving in.  For real.

     The winter while I was in Texas, Arkansas had what is considered one of the mildest, most pleasant winters on record.  Now I've moved back, and Arkansas is suddenly in a 10 inch rain deficit.  We've reached triple-digit heat nearly six weeks earlier than normal.  Arkansas, I'm sorry.  I didn't realize I was here to obliterate you.  It follows me around everywhere I go, like a dog with fleas.

     So I guess this is my fate.  I'm here to destroy you all.  I am she who will wither your crops, she that causes your lakes to shrivel and your rivers to run dry.  I am the scourge upon your blistered, scorched earth.  I am The Destroyer of Lands.

     Maybe I should make business cards.

I went to vistaprint's website and started skulking around.  I thought this background is alright.  Kind of looks supervillan-going-all-crazy-ish.  I don't know if it's really me.  I left it kind of simple, contact-wise.  I mean, I'm certain that once word gets out of my true identity people will be trying to get a hold of me.  A phone number and a website should be enough, right?  The more I look at this, the less convince that I think the back ground works.  I think it doesn't convey the message quite properly.  I mean, I'm an epic annihilator of worlds, but I'm not jerk or anything - nor am I a young man wearing cargo shorts as the picture indicates.

     Okay, now this is more like it.  It says "I may be the oncoming onslaught of human extiction, but I'm still like cupcakes.  And baby deer."  I think it's just right.  Besides look at that cute little bird!

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